just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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