Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
