i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
