Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
