Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
