i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
