Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
