we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
