Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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