Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
