It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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