"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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