Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
