I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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