you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
