Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?