I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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