I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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