Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
