Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
