Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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