Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
