my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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