last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
