I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
