my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
