My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
