The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
