my mouth tastes like poor choices
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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