sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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