I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
