Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
