smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
there's paper in my vomit.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
