Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
