I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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