You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
