you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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