Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
