At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You're earring is so big in my mouth
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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