What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
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Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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