If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
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