Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
