Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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