john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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