Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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