a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
