What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
