Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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