awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
