i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
