Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I need to calm my uterus...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
