I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
