I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
