On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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