Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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