he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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